An early dinner (4:30 PM) at the Olive Garden where Dabney will only let Swoozie get the $5.95 soup and salad combo (his is thrifty after all) although she'll no doubtly slug down more than a few glasses of wine. Then onto some avant guard off, off Broadway experimental theater production which both will despise and not quite understand but neither will admit in fear of not looking hip and coming across as old and fuddy. Dabney will nod off a few times during it only to be startled awake when the actors venture in the stands for "audience precipitation". Finally around 9ish Swoozie will ask if all this crap is over with so they can get a cheap motel room and have what she considers "a real date". Requiring Dabney to make a quick stop at Rite Aid to refill his Viagra prescription, only to have him fly into a berserk rage when the cashier informs him it has expired and he proceeds to trash the store. NYPD arrive and taser him into submission. In all the excitement Swoosie swipes an officers taser and retreats into a nearby alley to taser her genitals repeatedly giving her more pleasure than Dabney ever could. Dabney doesn't miss out on any sexual experiences as he's thrown in the drunk tank with Lawanda, the 250 pound transvestite and wishes he grabbed some Vaseline while at Rite Aid.
I never went on a date with Swoozie Kurtz but I did date Kyra Sedgwick of TNT's The Closer. She was having a rough spot with Kevin Bacon and we went out a few times. Turns out she was just trying to make Kevin jealous and he caught us in bed and beat the crap out of me. Well I went home and put on my Jack Flack costume and came back and showed Mr. Bacon a thing or two.
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